


Disassociation

by dawniekins18



Category: Walking Dead
Genre: F/M, Homophobic Language, Homophobic Thoughts, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Abuse, Protective Rick, Ricktatorship, Slow Burn, prison fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-27
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-20 22:42:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1528370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dawniekins18/pseuds/dawniekins18
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rick holds Daryl at night. Daryl tries to hold it together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this. I know it's the opposite of perfect, but I hope you enjoy, nonetheless.

What they do ain’t right. Daryl knows that. It goes against everything he’s been taught. Every person in his whole life, pre-apocalypse, wouldn’t have hesitated to give him a beating for it, himself included. He could be a mean son of a bitch sometimes. Especially back then. 

It’s not even as if they be doing something all that bad. It’s more about what it represents. The start of somethin’. Like a gateway drug or some shit like that. And he knows all ‘bout that slippery slope.

But when Rick comes into his cell at night, lays down next t’ him. And just holds. Daryl doesn’t have it in him to say the ‘fuck off’ thats always on the tip of his tongue.

It started after Merle died. For good. 

His bein’ around had made Daryl feel….vulnerable is probably the the word. Even if he hates it.  
But it’s the truth of it. Merle was the foundation of his life, and he’d been crumblin’ long before walkers became a problem.

It’s like he came back, hurt Daryl, brought back everything he thought he’d moved past, and then was gone. After finally doin’ something good. Daryl felt all a thirteen years old again. Merle was gone, and something was always willing to beat up on ‘im.

But that ain’t what happened. At least not yet. Not here. 

“You doin’ ok Daryl?” Carol’s voice was strong and gentle as she rocked Judith after dinner. Everybody was sitting around, semi-relaxin. Michonne was on watch.

Daryl had been drifting away. “Disassociating” was what some fancy school counselor had called it after his Ma died. Whatever the word was, it worked. He’d leave himself behind for awhile.

Carol had snapped him back to the prison.

“I’m alright’, he mumbled shifting from his seat to stand. “I’ma go sleep. Wake me to do watch.”

He went to his cot in a cell without the bars. He felt safer without 'em.

He took of his boots and pulled the blanket over his body. It was gettin’ colder. He laid there awhile staring at the wall when he heard someone approaching. He closed his eyes, hoping to avoid anymore questions.

It had gotten dark, and there wasn’t much noise. From the footsteps, he knew Rick was the one standing next to him. 

Rick didn’t say nothing, but just climbed on the cot.

“Scoot over.” He finally grunted.

Daryl did without thinking much about it, he’d been followin’ Rick’s lead for awhile now. 

Rick laid down behind him. Makin’ him the fucking little spoon. He made himself comfortable. And just stayed. 

Daryl kept waiting for an explanation but it never came. He felt Rick fall asleep, and soon he drifted off too. 

The next mornin’, Rick was gone when he woke. But it continued like that. Every night Rick came and held him for a couple hours, then disappeared. 

The rest the time they acted normal. He would say Rick stayed closer to him than usual. But that was somethin’ hard to tell. They lived in each other’s goddamn pockets as it was. 

“Hey, where ya at?” Rick’s voice cuts through his fog as their piling some walkers for burnin’.

“Right fuckin’ here.” Daryl mutters back.

“Didn’t look like it.”

No one has ever noticed or cared about this particular quirk of Daryl’s. Except fucking nosy school officials. But his makeshift family seems to not like it. For whatever reason.

“Well, look again’.”

Rick stops working for the moment and heads closer to him.

“I’m worried ‘bout you.”

Daryl feels annoyance prickle. 

“Is that why?” They both know what he’s askin’ about. It’s been a week of nightly visits with no explanation.

“Yeah. And other reasons too.”

There something in Rick’s eyes that makes him uncomfortable. He looks down and bites at his nails. Those other reasons are dangerous, whatever they are.

“I’m fine.” He mumbles over the finger in his mouth. 

“You ain’t. You drift off. Yer quiet. Not wantin’ to go huntin’. Lookin like you ain’t here half the time.”

“I said I was fine.” He says it firmer now. But somehow, it sounds weaker.

“Merle messed ya up. I get that. Lori and Shane did the same to me. But I got Carl and Judith. I hafta to come back even when I don’t wanna.”

Rick pauses. Daryl lifts his gaze to look at his face. He’s focused on Daryl. Concerned. Daryl ducks his head again. 

“I want ya to know. You gotta come back too. I said it before, I’ll say it again. We need you. I need you.”

“I said I was here.” Daryl’s voice is softer now.

“No. You ain’t. I’m make sure you are soon though.” Rick gets backs to work. Going back to the walker he was movin’ before.

Daryl pauses a moment longer. Lookin’ up at the sky. The sun is high, but it’s warmth is fadin’. Another winter is on the way.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A couple nights later, Rick lays out a plan for the comin’ months. The Governor had been killed by one of his own. Martinez or something. He’d killed Andrea before, but with someone new in charge of Woodbury, the war was over. A couple people had come to the prison, feelin’ safer here. Michonne, Sasha, and Tyrese. But the rest had stayed there. 

“We’re gonna need more food. To stock up. I don’t want us going out as much when it gets colder. And we send the majority of the strays we find to Woodbury. They are more equipped for it. If we find someone good, we’ll ask ‘em to stay. But in the harder months, it’ll be better if we have tighter ranks.”

The others nod. Beth has the baby on her lap. 

“What about when winters over?” Maggie asks curiously.

“We have a lot a space here. We’ll see if we can use it in the future. When we're stronger.”

“We’ll need medicine. For the winter. We should looks for vitamin stuff too. Last winter we all lost too much weight.” Hershel’s eyes go to Daryl in particular.  


“I was fine.” He mutters. Annoyed. They all gave up food for the children and Lori last year. Beth and Carl were still growin’. They needed it more.

“We’ll figure it out. And I’ll make sure everyone gets their share. We ain’t scrapin’ by the same way we was then. We can all look after each other better.” Rick makes sure to meet Daryl's eyes. Like he wants 'im to know he'll be watchin. Makin' sure the food stays on his plate. Or somethin'.

“If you make a list of good things that will have lasted this long, we’ll look for em’ Daddy.” Maggie pats his hand reassuringly. 

“Anything you find with vitamins or supplement, grab. I’ll sort em’. They might not have been takin’ as much either. Desperate people only grabbin’ food and medicine.”

They continue plannin’ the important things to stock up on. Diapers being mentioned more than once. Formula. Canned goods. Things that while might not taste as good, can be made more or less with hot water. 

They are moving on to clothes and blankets when Daryl drifts out. Has a spell or whatever. That’s what Merle called it. “Darleena having a bit of a spell.” 

“Daryl!”

He's jolted back by the sound of Beth’s panicked voice. She can be shrill as all hell when worried.

The whole group is lookin’ at him, ‘sides Tyrese who is on watch.

“We called your name four times.” Glenn’s voice his worried.

“Well then what the hell’d ya want?” Daryl feels crowded even though no one has moved closer to him.

Rick exchanges a knowing look with Hershel that makes him feel exposed. And annoyed.

“We wanted to know how much game do you think the surrounding area can provide during the cold months.” Carol cuts in with the original question. 

“I don’t know. I’d say with trappin’ and actual huntin’ we can muster up enough meat. But I don’t know how cold it’ll get, or what the walkers might steal.”

“Ok, understood. We'll plan accordingly. Why don't you go get some rest? We’re ‘bout done here.” Rick voices it as a suggestion, but Daryl knows an order.

“I’ll go too. She’s ready to be put down.” Beth stands up with Judith.

Apparently him and Lil’ Asskicker have the same bedtime now.

He heads up the stairs with Beth close behind.

He hears worried muttering commence in the group. His hackles rise and he turns around.

“Let it be.” Beth is surprisingly stern.

“I ain’t gonna be talked about like a child.”

“They are just worried. I am too. Let ‘em be.”

Daryl doesn’t like being told what to do. Especially from a seventeen year old girl. But it ain’t a time to fight. He doesn't want to face anymore worried stares neither. Let ‘em have their powwow. It won’t change nothin’.

He makes his way to his bed and lays down. He ain’t even fucking tired.

He wakes up when Rick climbs in behind him. This time he takes it a step further and puts an arm completely around him. And above him. 

Daryl shifts away, but the arm tightens.

“No. Stay put.” Rick’s voice is gruff but gentle.

He then starts strokin’ his hair. Which makes Daryl uncomfortable. That gateway drug shit back in his mind. This ain’t right.

“Where do ya keep goin’ honey?”

The endearment, during the day might have earned Rick a punch in the face.

Here in the dark, Daryl knows it ain’t right, but is powerless to stop it. He feels the concern from Rick, and that something else. Those other reasons. He knows how he should respond to this. The memory of Merle keepin' any doubts difficult. 

"I don't know." He responds to the question. The first thing he's said to Rick in this position. An acknowledgement of some sort. 

They lay there, entangled, for an unknown amount of time.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Rick is a bit of a bossy mofo. But Daryl, if you hadn't noticed, isn't what you'd call a reliable narrator.

Time moves weirdly for Daryl now. Ever since they left the farm, time has lost a lot of meaning. Days are for gettin’ stuff done, weeks are for preparing for the future, and seasons just come and go with their own struggles. It ain’t a defined structure they live anymore. It just is.

So when he starts losing it, he doesn’t really notice for awhile. 

There ain’t any clocks. Just the sun. And as it gets colder, the sun disappears earlier and earlier. Leaving them in the dark, where time is undetermined and nights can last for what feels like days. 

He been in a fog for awhile the first day he realizes what’s happening. He went off alone, avoidin’ people who’d ask him things or wanna talk. He ain’t in the mood.

Deciding to go huntin’ seemed like the most obvious choice. He ain’t on watch til’ evening, so he slips out a bit after their mornin’ meal.

He’s tracking a doe in the wood a bit outside their gates. They’ve cleared out the large walker population that was hangin’ about so more animals have been movin’ in a little closer. He’s just found another track to follow ……….

He snaps back from wherever it is he goes sometimes. From the position of the sun, he can tell he’s been out of it for hours. It’s late afternoon. 

What snapped him back to the moment is the snarls of a lone walker who, lucky for him, is missing a part of its leg and moving very slowly toward him. 

He kills it efficiently and takes in his surroundings, he’d been moving. He follows his own tracks. He been covering a lot of ground. It takes him over an hour to get back to the prison. Empty handed.

That night, he lies awake after going to bed the moment his watch is over. He was late but shrugged off any questions. Sayin’ he was trackin’ a deer a walker ended up spookin’ away.

Glenn’s eyes were questioning, but he let it go that time.

“Why’d you not eat dinner?”

Rick had questioned after coming in for their nightly ritual. 

“Not hungry.”

“It ain’t a choice to eat when there’s food. Unless you're sick, you eat.” 

Daryl had heard this speech in the past, the usual recipient was Carl. He shrugged. Rick sat up and made Daryl turn to him so he could see his eyes. 

“I ain’t messing ‘round. You been pickin’ at yer meals. I see anymore of it, or see your ass skippin’ a feeding, I will personally put the food in your mouth until I can trust you to do it.” 

Rick wasn’t jokin’. Daryl had only seen him like this a few times before. He didn’t respond more than a nod, but Rick settled back down to holding him.

The next morning Rick crowded him to the point he ate everything put on his plate.

And as time went on, that became the least of his problems. 

He had to consider his options.

And as the days passed, they seemed to be fewer and fewer.

He was loosin’ time. Daily, or every other day. Not driftin’ out during conversations, not starin’ at the fucking wall, actual time. Hours.

Now, he can’t be trusted, he realizes one morning in what feels like November.

He can’t be trusted on watch, he can’t be trusted on runs, hell- he can’t even be trusted to hunt, specially considerin’ his last attempt. He’s useless. Utterly useless.

“What are you doing out here alone?” Michonne sits down next him in the small patch of sun he’s found.

“Nothin”, he mutters, avoiding direct eye contact.

“Ah, I see. It’s wouldn’t be contemplating doing something stupid then?”

His eyes shift toward her very knowing look.

“I had a little brother once. And everytime he was about to do something completely idiotic, he had the same look you do right now.”

He hadn’t really formed an idea. Just the beginning of one. If he wasn’t contributin’ to the group, he was takin’ from it. And they couldn’t afford dead weight. Especially not from someone like him.

“I was just sittin. Enjoyin’ the sun. Why don’t you go stab somethin’ or whatever it is you do?”

When they weren’t on a run or killing walkers, he really didn’t know what she got up to. Not that he didn’t like her, she just wasn’t really an open book.

“I could do that. But I think I should stay here.”

And she does. They sit in silence watching the sun fade away.

+++++++++++++++++++

“You been quiet.” Rick whispers through the dark late in the night. He’s been stayin’ longer and always seems to know when Daryl ain’t really asleep.

“I’m always quiet.”

“Yer face ain’t. I can usually tell what your thinkin.”

Daryl doesn’t know what to say so he grunts a noise of disinterest. 

“Michonne told me not to let you outta my sight. You know why?”

“No fuckin’ clue,” he lies.

“Well, I’m takin’ her word for it. Tomorrow, it’s me and you.”

Goddamn it.

Now he’d stick to him like glue. Rick don’t do nothing half assed. Feelin’ angry at this, he tries to move away and put some distance between ‘em. 

“Ya ain’t goin’ nowhere. Settle down. It’s late.”

Rick keeps their bodies close, and in the chilly prison, Daryl can’t help but relax into his warmth. He’s asleep in minutes. 

 

As Daryl suspected, Rick was not fuckin’ around. He is within two steps of wherever Daryl wants to go all morning. And if their opinions differ, he wins the resulting power of wills.

He even moves Judith’s crib into Daryl’s cell. Which nobody comments on. But Daryl wants to scream and punch a wall. 

He’d been there all night last night, and Daryl can tell more sleepovers are in his future. 

Now they are all gonna know. Know that he’s… that Rick is….

Rick hasn’t even said anything. He just does. And Daryl is too busy trying to keep from disappearin’ he doesn’t even know what’d he say. 

But anytime it starts to feel normal or even good t’ move closer to Rick or allow Rick closer to ‘im. He can’t get over the wrongness of it. Or how it don’t feel right. Or how everyone will hate ‘im. 

Which won’t even fuckin’ matter cause he’s got to leave anyways.

“Sit next to me at dinner.” Rick says while they’re walkin’ back into the prison after clearin’ out some walkers along the fences.

Like he’d be able to sit anywhere else. 

They are all eatin’ some oatmeal shit with canned peas on the side. He’s just shovin’ it in his mouth to avoid disapprovin’ stares, and Rick’s threat to feed him. He’s liftin’ a spoonful to his mouth….

He returns to a scene of chaos.

He’s sittin’ by a wall with his knees to his chest, and everyone is screamin’.

Or at least that’s what it feels like.

They’re screamin’ his name.

Like he’s lost. He figures he probably is.


	3. Chapter 3

Daryl had no idea how he'd gotten here. The lack of sun outside disorients him. He has no way to know how long he'd been gone. 

"Daryl!"

The calls were getting closer and sounded panicked. Worried. He doesn't know what to do. What had happened? What had everyone seen? 

Did they know how dangerous he was now? How damaged?

"I found him!"

Fuck. In his stupor, he hadn't been thinking about what the nearing voices meant. He was frozen and now found.

"Jesus. Are you ok? Are you hurt?" Glenn starts invading his personal spaces, touching him with familiarity. Looking for injuries, being gentle and shit.

"Get off. I'm fine." Daryl tries to shift away. Starts to stand on shaking legs. Glenn catches him as he almost trips.

"Did you get bit? Did you fall?"

Glenn reaches out and touches something on his head. He hisses at the pain.

Daryl feels a little more steady and shift his weight away.

"I...I don't know."

He starts to check himself over, and Glenn keeps pawing at him as they looks for any bites.

They're are plenty of bruises forming. And apparently a nasty bump on his head. He sighs in relief. He ain't been bit. Glenn looks pretty fucking relieved too.

"Thank God, we were all having a heart attack."

"I'm ok, it's ok." Daryl mumbles mostly to himself. 

Glenn nods in agreement anyways, but reaches up again to touch his head again.

"This'll need to be looked at though. You're bleedin'."

"Glenn! Where the hell are you!?" Rick's voice booms through the abandoned corridor.

Daryl finally gets more aware of his surroundings. He's in one of the office areas of the prison. It's an area they've mostly cleared out, but aren't completely comfortable in. They still are working on making the whole prison secure and don't know where all the holes are. No one is supposed to come here alone.

"We're over here! In the intake room!"

Daryl starts to feel nervous. He's embarrassed and vulnerable. He is out of control, lost.

What had he done? 

"Oh thank God." Rick walks in the room and practically runs the last few steps when he sees Daryl.

He's suddenly pulled into Rick's arms before he's really aware of what's going on. His face is in Rick's neck. He can feel his relief and starts to feel some of his own. Rick doesn't seem mad.

"What the fuck?" He mutters into Rick's skin.

"He ok?" Rick looks to Glenn who nods.

"He's confused and a little shaky. He hit his head. We should get him home."

Daryl pulls away from Rick.

"I'm right the fuck here."

Rick snorts. "I know ya are. Let's get back."

Daryl wants to ask what happened. But he's too embarrassed to in front of Glenn. Especially how Rick acted when he saw him. He feels exposed. 

He looks toward the escape route he always subconsciously has mapped out.

"Ya ain't goin' no where." Rick mutters following his eyes. "Let's go."

He gently pushes Daryl to follow Glenn whose started on the path back to their cellblock. Not noticing, or pretending not to, their exchange. Rick makes sure to keep Daryl in front of him and within his reach the whole way. 

"It's late. Everyone's going to bed." Rick says as the approach the entrance to their part of the prison. Their home. 

"What about watch?"

"We're locked up solid for the night. You and Maggie can handle it in a couple hours." Glenn nods in agreement as they head through the door. Ricks makes sure the bars are locked tight behind them.

They reach their common room and a group of worried people.

"Daryl!"

"Are you ok?"

"Where were you?"

"We don't care..."

Rick raises his hand, cutting off whatever Carl was in the middle of saying.

"It's very late. And getting cold. Everyone go to bed."

They all pause looking from Rick to Daryl, who is deliberately avoiding anyone's eyes.

"Now." Rick says loudly causing them to all start moving.

Beth takes a moment to stop and give Daryl a hug, and Carol touches his arm in passing. 

"Is Judith staying with you tonight?" Beth asks when the rest of the group has mostly dispersed. 

"She's already in the crib in Daryl's cell?" Beth nods to the question. "Then she's fine staying with us."

Daryl feels his face heat up even though is only Beth, Rick and Hershel left in the room.

The casual way Rick is referring, to...this. Like it's not a secret. Like they know.

"Let me look at that cut before you go up ta bed."

Rick crowds him into sitting down while his head is looked over, bandaged, and he's given a clean bill to go up to sleep.

"Wake him up in a couple hours, make sure he knows his name. Mostly just a precaution, it don't look too bad." Hershel gives Daryl a kind smile, and they all part ways for bed.

Rick leads the way to the cell and manhandles him into laying down. 

"Please go to sleep, and don't even think of not being here when I wake up." 

"What happened?" His voice is hoarse as he finally asks.

"Don't worry about it." The way Rick answers doesn't leave any room for more questions. Daryl knows he's not going to get anything else out of him until Rick is good and ready.

That gave Daryl, unfortunately, a lot of time to think. 

Rick has their bodies tightly pressed together, and Daryl can tell he's not really sleeping either, but he allows his mind to wander from his position staring into the darkness.

He'd lost hours. That isn't very new. He's been planning on how to deal with that for days. But his plans didn't account on everyone knowing. And they all seem to. 

And they don't seem to realize what it means. They were all worrying and fussing. Not acting like the truth of it. He's dangerous. 

Everyone was treatin' him like a scared kid or spooked animal. Comfortin', gentle touches. Like they think he's fragile. Or something. 

He can't help but raise his hand and start chewing on a hangnail.

"Go to sleep." Ricks voice cuts through his thoughts causing his body to jerk in surprise. It was whispered but still shook him. Rick's hand starts rubbing up and down his arm in a soothing motion. 

"C'mon honey, I know you're tired. This worrying can wait." 

Daryl doesn't feel convinced of that. 

"I just...I don't know what I did."

"Shhh, you didn't do anything. I just spooked you darlin'. This is my fault. So ya took off. And the rest of it, we've been dealin' with for awhile."

"We?" Daryl hasn't a clue what Rick's talkin about. He's been dealing with...whatever this was. But he was in this alone. He'd made sure of it. 

"You don't remember things. You've been having trouble. We all know. But it's been getting better. Go ta sleep. We'll talk tomorrow."

He feels annoyed at Rick's attempts to control him, and again tries to pull away. 

"You're fine. Relax." Rick allows him to shift, but keeps him close. "Stop fussin'. It's ok. I said it'llbe fine, calm down and rest."

Daryl feels his eyes responding to the command. He finally settles and is asleep almost immediately.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

His surroundings are the same when he wakes up, to his relief. He has turned in his sleep, and his face is now in Rick's neck. He hears Judith beginning to fuss, and he starts to move toward her.

"I got her. You stay put."

Rick moves away from him, and stands up stretching. His bones crack, and he makes a noise of pleasure. That noise his Daryl right in the gut and he feels himself blushing.

"I'd suggest us putting two beds together in here, but I practically have to hold you down to get ya to sleep as it is..."

Daryl stares as Rick picks up the baby and comforts her.

"I know you have questions."

Daryl nods. Words aren't really coming easy lately.

Rick looks at him over Judith's head and forces eye contact. 

"After dinner last night, you and I were alone in here. We were talking." Rick shifts Judith in his arms, looking nervous. "I guess we were talking about us, if that's what you wanna call it, I don't know if you remember?"

Daryl shakes his heads. His hand is at his mouth again.

"You said some things...I didn't agree. So to prove my point. I did something. I probably shouldn't have. I knew you weren't ready. But I made a mistake." Rick clears his throat, and sits down with Judith next to Daryl on the bed, blocking him in.

"I knew you'd been thinkin' about takin' off. You denied it. Denied a lot of things. But I know what you've been through. Know how you've been checkin' out. Seen it enough on the force. It's not an uncommon thing for people....who've been hurt."

Daryl makes some sort of noise in the back of his throat. It slips out and Rick immediately shifts closer and the three of them are practically entangled.

"Shh, I know. It's ok....Anyways emotions were running high. So I grabbed you. I just...you were saying things that ain't true. Slippin' away. And I just needed to prove to you."

Rick pauses and Daryl looks up. Their eyes meet.

"So I kissed you."


	4. Chapter 4

“You kissed me?"

"I'm sorry. I pushed you. I know you're scared. And I know you weren't ready for it. But if you'd just have listened...." Rick trails off, noticing Daryl looking away.

"I'm not scared of nothin'." He mumbles feeling anything but ready for what they're doing here. 

"I know." Rick sounds like he's smiling, but Daryl can't bring himself to look.

Judith coos and babbles between them as they sit silently. 

"You should feed her." He knows Rick's eyes are on him, and he's desperate for the space of a distraction.

"We can do it together in a bit. She'll tell us when she's hungry."

Rick's hand gently touches his arm, and he only jumps slightly in response. 

"I'm guessin' you have an idea of the things I was sayin' last night. And I think you know the things you were saying back."

Daryl shrugs.

"I care about you. I'm worried about you." His hand reaches up and carefully grabs his chin with a firm, commanding pressure, turning Daryl's head toward Rick. "Look at me."

He reluctantly lifts his eyes. 

"Daryl, I don't give two shits that we're in Georgia or what Merle would have thought about any goddamn thing."

"I..." He wants to look away but Rick's eyes won't let him. His hand keeps it's steady grip on Daryl while his thumb softly caresses along his jaw line. 

"I don't need you to say anything. I know you. What you need to understand is, you're not gonna be outta my sight until I deem you're not gonna run off and give me another goddamn heart attack."

"I'm not...I should..."

"I heard your fears last night. I get it. But I'm tellin' you, I want you here. We all do. And right now that's all you need to worry about."

The baby lets out a high shriek.

"There's out cue."

Rick stand and grabs Judy from the bed.

"C'mon. We could use some breakfast too."

Daryl doesn't make any effort to move, fiddling with the covers on the bed.

Rick sighs and puts the whining baby back in the crib. Faster than Daryl can comprehend, Rick's back at his side, hand smoothly wrapped around the back of his neck. "Honey, I'm pretty sure I was just clear about how much time we'd be spending together."

"You don't need to make such a fuss." Daryl mutters as Ricks finger's stroke through the hair at the name of his neck.

"You don't worry about it. I know what we both need, so let's get going."

Jesus, Judith is gonna have more fuckin' leg room than he does at this rate.

"You need me to take her?" Beth meets them after they step out of the cell.

"Yes, thank you."

"How you doin', Daryl? Her eyes are concerned as she takes an armful of squirming, hungry baby. 

"He's hungry too."

"I can talk." Daryl grumbles glaring at the wall behind Beth's head.

"We know, silly."

Fuckin' kid gloves. She's being to damn nice. Rick is demanding things from him that he knows he can't give. Even if Rick thinks he can. 

But the truth is, he can't remember last night. He can guess what he was sayin' to Rick. Probably works he's heard his whole damn life, words he never wanted to admit might describe him.

He can't even keep track of the days anymore. How can he be part of whatever Rick wants? Even if some part, deep down wants it too. The part that relaxes when Rick touches him, the part that feels safe when Rick is there. 

Unlike everyone else in this fucked up world, he doesn't need Rick to feel safe from the monsters outside- he needs him to feel safe from himself. 

"You want oatmeal, oatmeal, or oatmeal?" Carol dishes out three bowls three bowls as they sit at the table. 

"Looks good, Carol." Rick is always appreciative. That's the kind of leader he is. He gives people what they need.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm Martha Stewart, eat up."

They've been eating some version of this meal almost everyday for what seems like months. On good days, they add to it with either meat, vegetables or something sweet. But with winter fast approaching, they've been making sacrifices now to survive later. 

"Food, Daryl."

Rick's voice shoot through his thoughts, the meal in front of him is still untouched as he bites a stray hangnail that's already bloody. He starts pushing the mush into his mouth with any comment.

"How are the fences?" Rick asks after watching to makes sure he continues eating.

"Pretty clear. They're moving slower as temps drop, and I think our time inside, instead of out, is a big help." Carol hands Beth the prepped bottle she'd been heating up. Judith latches on immediately, falling silent.

"Maggie?" 

"She figuring it out with Hershel and Glenn."

"Good. I don't want us sitting on this too long."

"We're all on the same page."

Daryl doesn't know what they're talking about, and Beth is too focused on the baby to even pay attention the conversation between Rick and Carol. That might be intentional though, girl is shit at a poker face. Apparently this is all above his paygrade now.

“How cold is it out there?” Beth has Judy wrapped in a blanket as she continues to enjoy her bottle.

“It’s somewhere in the 30s probably. Our thermometer isn’t very exact but the water ain’t freezing so that tells us something.”

“It must be getting close to December though, right?” Beth’s voice is excited. Daryl doesn’t know why. All the shitty months are the same now.

“Considering how early the sun’s going down, must be.” Carol responds with a shrug.

“Maybe it’s almost Christmas.” Beth says it softly but Daryl stops picking at his food to stare at her. 

He never thought much of holidays. When he was real young, he got some gifts from “Santa”, back when his mom tried. But not long after she died, Merle would only grab him something small, if he wasn’t in juvie or jail. Not that the gift mattered, but they were the only acknowledgement of it. And his dad...no use thinking about the type of gifts he liked to dole out.

“I hadn’t even thought about it in so long.” Beth’s voice is wistful as she coddles Judith.

“Me either.” Carl adds, popping up from his cell and dropping down next to Rick. “We should do something. For Judy. It’s her first...her first Christmas.”

The pause makes Daryl wonder the if Carl had the same painful thought he just did. 

It might be her only Christmas.

“We’ll do that.” Rick puts a lot of cheer into his voice, and Carol nods in agreement. “I’m sure everyone would like that.” She adds giving Beth a smile. 

Daryl knows she’s right on that. The only people in this group who would find it a waste of time are him. And Sasha. Maybe Michonne, but he’s got his doubts about her.

“Glenn and Maggie are doing that run tomorrow. Maybe they’ll be something to grab to make a festive day of it.” Carol is good at planning things. She’s good at making this place feel real, making it feel like home.

After they’d found a portable stove and built the ventilations for it out of the bars through one of the windows, they’d been looking to build up their coal supply. Wood worked, but chopping made a lot of noise. And the nights were getting cold. 

The stove didn’t really heat the place, but it made a hell of a difference. 

They’re all still grateful for the warmth of walls after last winter. And coats. And a supply of blankets.

He knows he’s grateful. They’re doing more than surviving now. 

Hell, they’re planning Christmas and planting crops.


End file.
